Monday, July 26, 2010
I have yet to begin my 'hypno-meditation' as I have come to call it, for day 16. But this is the path I have taken so far and up until today....
I should be at about day 20 or more, that is, if I were going without ever having to miss a day. But what with parenting and being devotional to my family before 100% MYSELF, it stands that 4-6 days have gone by here and there without a daily listen to "Installing Inner Game" behavioral soft wear by Devon White. If you are just tuning in, read the previous posts to catch up on my journey.
So in the spirit of the fact that it takes about 30 days of doing something, anything over and over, that it becomes a habit, I have gotten almost half way through my 40 day goal of listening to this program.
What has happened so far:
- Some days feel great, spiraling, spinning, meditative alpha state and feeling great afterward from anywhere from 10 minutes after to 20 hours after, I have maintained the blissful feeling I was seeking and felt this guidance/program created.
- Some days I feel nauseous listening to the program. It brings up feelings of irritability where I either, force myself to finish the program or I simply cannot stomach laying there one more second so I don't (the latter has happened only 1 time so far).
- Some days I feel a nice, mild relaxation and get a trembling all over me and deep within my muscles.
- Some days I totally fall asleep and I let myself.
- I feel a heightened sense of consciousness because of this practice, so therefore, I suspect that my irritability that comes is the same as always, I just feel it more NOW than I did before. So I must conclude that the practice is not making me a basket case, I am simply just re-learning a way, my new way, a better way to be in the world and this cannot happen over night.
- I have had teachers, well-fitting practitioners and therapists just POP up lately. The ones who fulfill exactly what I need help with right now. It is almost as though I am getting closer to my Source and to my spirit self and the helpers that I might need on the way, or, with the things that come up that I cannot figure out on my own, are coming with teachers who simply and seemingly magically appear for me. OUT OF THIN AIR. "When it seems impossible, a way will be made." -Micheal Bernard Beckwith
My patience with this goal of mine is lovely. I told myself I would do it. 40 days (as many in a row as possible, but easy on myself if I miss one or two here and there) of listening to a guided behavioral soft wear. Sometimes I forget why I am doing it. Sometimes I feel it is doing nothing for me. Sometimes I feel it is totally transforming my psyche into a beautiful ball of light who never had a bad experience in it's life and handles every obstacle that comes up-perfectly. It all is in my control no matter what. But I do feel this re-birthing experience happening. I am reworking the "bad" emotions I have poisoned myself with thus far in life. I am accepting and healing the "bad" experiences or hurt I have experienced and carried with me. I am listening to the soft wear tell me things like:
-you are "deeply satisfied and behaviorally awesome"
-"...back to the biological source with expressed intentions..."
-feeling the "magnificence of life and your part in it.."
-"...just below and bigger than your awareness..."
-"anything is possible-possible is anything"
-"...the perfect unfolding of a life worth living."
But it is all in my control. I am coming to IT with MY intentions. With MY gratitude. With MY goals in mind. So it is not: mind-controlling. The re-structuring of my DNA and my body and mind who previously made poor choices, practiced "self serving behavior," did not listen to others well, failed at careers, failed at weight and health management, hurt people, lost important things, forgot important appointments, failed tests, didn't study, couldn't concentrate, made poor diet decisions, had a huge temper, lots of tears, tons of anger, repressed memories, no patience, and the list goes on and on....all these things are where I was. Where I am going is my choice and I am structuring the guidance in my own way. It is my control, my intentions, my dreams, my passions and my mission that I am on. I am so grateful for this and all the gifts that have come my way. Some days I don't get it....but I am nevertheless continuing. And I really feel like something bubbling just below the surface is coming...and it is.....
more to come kiddos....