Tuesday, July 6, 2010
A month or two ago, I joined a group where we committed to do an anger-releasing meditation every day for 40 days. Some say 30, some say 40 and some say 60 days are the appropriate amount of days to do something, anything in a row in order to completely change a habit or transform the body in some way that is lasting. I like the 40 number. It is longer than a month, shorter than two months and seems like a bit of a challenge for me, but not too big. So what happened with the anger? I could not commit to the daily practice. I have no idea why. Maybe due to my anger-related issues that lie very deep within? Haha. It was quite an active meditation, Kundalini Yoga, in style. While I have loved and adored what Kundalinini I have practiced in my life, I just know that right now I needed something more restful. So I left that practice on my virtual shelf and shall return to it at a later date, dust it off and try again. I have been advised lately to do a lot of breath work and sitting still. So I have listened to my advice from multiple sources.
So there is this auditory meditation-download-thing I was notified about recently. About 2-3 months ago I received an e-mail from a group I joined years ago called the Go-Gratitude Experiment. It was a free, non-harassing regular e-mail I received about enlightening gratitude into your daily life. It is quite a lovely group. And rarely, but sometimes the group will promote an artist or jewelry maker at the end of their e-mails and with no offense to anyone's taste, I simply never followed the links provided. I felt I barely had the time to read my gratitude e-mails! So this one day they were promoting an "Audio Technology" promising if you listen to the download it can help you to easily and quickly:
"Awaken Your Inner Genious
Tap Into an Inexhaustible Supply of Energy
Reset to Your Authentic Power Source
Accelerate Your Conscious Awareness
Revive Your Body's Cells and Senses
Forge a Deep Connection with Self and Others
Release Your Inspiration and Passion
Realize a Profound Sense of Purpose
Be at Your Natural Best at All Times
Activate the "Flow" State Regularly and At Will"
Sounds too good to be true? Well, they offered a free version of the download here:
And so I downloaded. You can choose to donate what you want. And since one thing I am in the process of manifesting is financial abundance, I opted for the free choice, of course fully intending on going back later to donate the suggested retail amount of around $200.00, if I felt it was worth it. And so I explored. I listed to this 72 minute auditory roller coaster for the first time the next day and I loved it! I experienced a deeper meditation than I had in quite some time, many moons, and for that, I was deeply grateful for the gratitude group for telling me about this! I even let my non-meditating husband listen to it one night simply because all you have to do is put head phones on and relax in a comfortable seat. Truly anyone can do it. He liked it too! Great. Yay. But nothing major happened in my life. Yet.
So as the creator, Devon White, suggests, I listened to it more often. Maybe once a week or so. And over the past few months I would say I have listened to it 5 or 6 times. I mean, who has 72 minutes on a regular basis with a 2 year old and a business to run? But then this past weekend happened. And everything changed.
Rewind to my life toward the end of college, I was placed in an emergency room at least 2-3 times and sent to endless specialists for stomach and pains I had gotten that would throw me doubled over on the floor, unable to walk, unable to talk and screaming in tears. I had tests, I had question-ares, I had weekly poop samples taken(NOT fun), I had an arsenal of medications given to me, this one for pain, this one for the nausea the pain one created, this one for the sleepiness that the nausea one causes so you can get to work still, this, that, carted all over town to different Docs, blah, blah, blah. And no one could tell me what was wrong with my poor belly. Symptoms came and went. Perfectly fine one month, doubled over in pain the next, 6 months straight no pain, then bam it would slam back into me. And then I got my whits about me and realized, no one has ever asked me about my stress levels? Hmmmm. And with that realization, I went to go see a massage therapist (which I was always told was a luxury, not to do other than on special occasions), the best one in the city. Though, at the time I didn't have the $90.00 per session she charged, I still went in for the longest, deepest, healing-est treatment she could deliver and told her my issue and worried about rent later. I realized when I worried most about money, what happens after graduation, my boyfriend, etc. is when my stomach pain would flare up. She told me to put my problems on the shelf outside the massage room door and let her do her work and try to relax. She did a combination of a massage and Reiki treatment with some beautiful stones and high quality, light scented, incense billowing around the ceiling. I walked in that room feeling almost unable to talk with pain and tears streaming. I walked out of the room feeling like I was just given a brand new body, a head that felt gloriously empty and clear and felt as light as a pillow of whipped cream.
Later, I had realized that with self-Reiki work plus some closed eyes and deep breathing, these stomach pains could be controlled by me, myself and I. Also, having a regular Yoga practice and occasional massage or body work kept them away completely for years. After talking with a naturopathic Doctor at one point, I was made sure what I have is the early stages of a very serious ulcer problem. I would hate to feel the later stages because those pain spasms I felt were worse than the labor pains before giving birth. And to my crazy surprise, these pains after about 8-9 years of them being completely out of sight, out of mind, out of my body, came back to me with a vengeance this past weekend.
So I thought, my Yoga practice has been pathetic lately (there are no studios around my current Okinawan home)....I really only like to practice in a professional studio, I am a Yoga snob I fully admit it, I am crappy at my solitary, at-home practice.....I have not been bad to my body lately, but.....I have not been REALLY good to it, either. So surprised at my belly aching return, I decided to meditate. THAT I can do every day, schedule a time, not just do it here and there. So, I ran to Devon White's meditation I downloaded called "Installing Inner Game." You can read more about this download here on his blog:
What I did this first day (yesterday) with my listening journey, was to not TRY to meditate. The first handful of times, I used this download as a guided meditation, which it very well may be classified as, but I had listened a bit and then really sort of tuned it out and just sat within my own peace, my own meditation, my own thoughts of not thinking and let the words that were spoken go into my ear, but I didn't really pay much attention. But this time, instead, I stayed alert, I listened carefully to the long, winding, information over-load, with it's abstract and very interesting music and dialog. What happened this recent time was a natural alpha state for me. A meditation simply emerged. I was not trying to meditate and the gorgeous meditation just came to me-not me to it, but it was one where I was fully aware the entire time. Yet, I felt I was in an out of body space, shedding past garbage from this life and possibly from many lives before. 'Bad' stuff came up out of my subconscious -statements and feelings like; I hate you and I hate myself, rage and anger, but I did not cling on to it, it did not freak me out, I KNEW for sure and with no doubt these feelings were not there or coming up to bring me down but they were actually leaving me, I saw them as they were on their way out. Leaving me was my pain from childhood bullies, past relationships and heart breaks, hurt, ache, self loathing, negativity stacked up from a lifetime....... gone. I felt like the whipped cream once again, right afterward.
And what this installation is to do for us, is to bring our brain, our body's very cellular makeup to a place where we feel like this amazing whipped cream ALL THE TIME. No feeling like bliss only at the Yoga studio or right after a great massage or long vacation at the spa, no. ALL. THE. TIME. And I got it. I finally listened. I, for once in my life, did not try to do something half-assed. None of this: having an interest in a guided meditation and then go listen to it without really listening, try without really trying, do without REALLY doing. Nope. This time, I actively tuned in and took part. I made an effort, but it was easy. I lightly put the pieces together and they made sense. And I feel like a million bucks all while my tummy junk is floating away, away into the sky and dissolving into beautiful wind that empties itself into the vast ocean only to flow back as a wave and healing source for us all.
And so I left my meditation, after the 7th or so time of listening to it, and I actually took it with me, the peace, the confidence, the love. It stayed with me. I was more patient with my daughter and I was more open to the crazy-idiot ways of my husband (just kidding, ....well not really, he can be an idiot ;). And that was just day one! I felt the after effects starting to fade this morning (but only after an AMAZING night of rest that I so needed and deserved).
I just finished day 2 of my meditation journey and I am eager to see what happens over my next 24 hours and 38 days. More to come, angels. Stay tuned! And join me on my adventure to bliss, won't you?